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j-roc

i got 99 problems but a bitch ain't one...

Name:
ackerboy
I am maybe a loser, maybe a sinner. Either way I'm a perpetual beginner.

Instead of boring you with useless details about myself, I offer instead a series of random quotations. Enjoy.

***

"You know the gypsy woman told my mother, before I was born. You got a boy-child comin', he's gonna be a son-of-a-gun. He's gonna make these pretty women, jump and shout. And the world will only know, what it's all about..."

***

"...I fancied you'd return the way you said, but I grow old and I forget your name. (I think I made you up inside my head.)"

***

"...Where would it lead? A man with no love for himself, no respect for himself, no love for friends, family, work, anything - how can he ask for love from someone else?"

***

"Guilt is like a bag of fucking bricks. All you gotta do is set it down... Who are you carrying all those bricks for anyway? God? Is that it? God? Well I tell you. Let me give you a little inside information about God. God likes to watch. He's a prankster. Think about it. He gives man instincts. He gives you this extraordinary gift and then what does he do? I swear, for his own amusement, his own private cosmic gag-reel he sets the rules in opposition. It's the goof of all time. Look but don't touch. Touch... but don't taste! Taste... but don't swallow! And while you're jumping on one foot to the next, what is he doing? He's laughing his sick fucking ass off. He's a tightass! He's a sadist! He's an absentee-landlord! Worship that? Never!"

***

"What do you think happens when you get divorced? You turn in your library card? Get a new driver's license? Stop being Jewish?"

***

"The most interesting thing about King Charles I is that he was 5'6" tall at the start of his reign but only 4'8" tall at the end of it".

***

"Don't mention the war. I mentioned it once, but I think I got away with it. So it's all forgotten now and let's hear no more about it. So that's two egg mayonnaise, a prawn Goebbels, a Herman Goering and four Colditz salads....no, wait a minute...I got confused because everyone keeps mentioning the war."

"Will you stop mentioning the war?"

"You started it."

"We did not start it."

"Yes you did, you invaded Poland..."

***

"Now I want you to remember that no bastard ever won a war by dying for his country. You won it by making the other poor dumb bastard die for his country."

***

"...not by speeches and majority votes are the great questions of the day decided--that was the great mistake of 1848 and 1849--but by iron and blood..."

***

"Yes, well there are a lot of bleeding hearts around who just don't like to see people with helmets and guns. All I can say is, go on and bleed. But it is more important to keep law and order in the society than to worry about weak-kneed people who don't like the looks of ....."

"At any cost? How far would you go with that? How far would you extend that?"

"Well, just watch me."

***

"If I were your wife I'd put poison in your coffee."

"If, I were your husband I'd drink it."

***

"You know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna get myself a 1967 Cadillac El Dorado convertible, hot pink with whaleskin hub caps and all leather cow interior and big brown baby seal eyes for headlights, yeah! And I'm gonna drive around in that baby at 115mph getting one mile per gallon, sucking down quarter pounder cheese burgers from McDonald's in the old-fashioned non-biodegradable styrofoam containers and when I'm done sucking down those grease ball burgers, I'm gonna wipe my mouth with the American flag and then I'm gonna toss the styrofoam container right out the side and there ain't a God damned thing anybody can do about it. YOu know why? Because we got the bombs, that's why. Two words. Nuclear fucking weapons, okay?! Russia, Germany, Romania - they can have all the Democracy they want. They can have a big democracy cake-walk right through the middle of Tiananmen square and it won't make a lick of difference because we've got the bombs, okay?! John Wayne's not dead - he's frozen. And as soon as we find the cure for cancer we're gonna thaw out the duke and he's gonna be pretty pissed off. You know why? Have you ever taken a cold shower? Well multiple that by 15-million times, that's how pissed off the Duke's gonna be. I'm gonna get the Duke and John Cassavetes and Lee Marvin and Sam Peckinpah and a case of Whiskey and drive down to Texas..."

***

"In Italy for thirty years under the Borgias, they had warfare, terror, murder, bloodshed. They produced Michelangelo, Leonardo da Vinci, and the Renaissance. In Switzerland, they had brotherly love, five hundred years of democracy and peace, and what did they produce? The cuckoo clock."

***

"We can't bust heads like we used to, but we have our ways. Fun trick is to tell them stories that don't go anywhere. Like to time I took the ferry over to Shelbyville to get a horn for my shoe. So I got a ferry ticket to Morganville, which was what we called Shelbyville at the time, and I had an onion on my belt, which was the style at the time. Now a ticket for the ferry cost only a nickel, and back then, nickels had pictures of bumblebees on them. "Five bees for a quarter," you'd say. Now where was I? Oh yeah, the important thing is, I had an onion on my belt, which was the style at the time. Now, you couldn't get white onions, because of the war. All you could get were those big yellow ones..."





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